There’s a big difference between moving on from being wronged by someone and forgiving them. We can put things in the past so we don’t dwell on them and let them get in the way of living life. What we shouldn’t do, however, is pretend like it never happened. People do this all the time and they think that’s what forgiveness is. It isn’t. That’s just a form of denial. It’s also a lack of self-respect. It’s saying to yourself “let’s just start over with a clean slate as if you never did that horrible thing to me, and hope you don’t do it again.”
True forgiveness can seem a bit counterintuitive because part of you doesn’t want to feel angry and hold anyone accountable for actions that they may or may not have meant. The thing is, they still did it, and they probably didn't show any remorse for it. This isn't about holding a grudge, though. A grudge is obsessing over the wrong-doing and not being open at all to any kind of reconciliation. True forgiveness is simply about accountability and being willing to give someone a second chance IF they're sincerely sorry. The only healthy way for a relationship to continue is if the person makes a genuine apology, admits their wrongs, and vows to never do such a thing again, whatever it may be. That’s the only way you can truly forgive someone; otherwise, you’re just excusing what they did.
If you’re so concerned with losing “friends” that you’re willing to dismiss their actions just to keep them around, is it really about friendship… or are you just lonely? If you tell yourself, “well, an apology would be nice, but I’m not going to expect one,” you are telling yourself and your “friend” that what they did was okay. It doesn’t matter that you know otherwise, that’s still what you’re communicating. I’ve been wronged repeatedly, and sadly, most of those people never admitted it or apologized. And you know what? I didn’t lose anything by disassociating from them. Some of them disassociated from me, as well. It's disappointing, but it only made room for better people. I had to change myself in many ways, too, so that I wouldn’t continue to bring negativity into my life. You have to acknowledge your own wrong-doings, apologize to the universe itself, and be a better person moving forward.
One of the people that I still haven’t truly forgiven is my own mother. For most of my life she used me, tried to gaslight me, coerced me into things, had me lie for her, and manipulated me out of money. Despite all of that, I still loved her and took care of her after she had a car accident and lost her career. Because that job was basically her whole identity, she fell into a deep depression and lost her sobriety. Our relationship began to crumble soon after, and I distanced myself from her.
It’s been 10 years now. I tried to repair things the best I could, but she’s so damaged and in such self-loathing that she puts up her narcissistic wall of shaming, guilt-tripping and denial. I’m still expected by other family members to forgive her and have a relationship again. Sorry, but it doesn’t work that way. It doesn’t matter how much she or anyone else says she loves me. Words are empty when they’re not backed by actions. I can let things go just enough to move on with my life, but forgiveness isn’t an option here… not until she does her part in that process. If she can do that, then I’ll be open to it. Until then, I have more important things to do.
I’m no saint. I’ve done my fair share of wrong. I’ve been the user, the manipulator, the liar. Once upon a time, it was hard to acknowledge and admit that. Today, it’s imperative. You can’t live a principled and moral life harboring all that guilt and shame and self-hate. That process of true forgiveness is an internal one as much as it is external. That’s how you find the courage and the humility to admit those wrongs to someone else… so that they might be willing to forgive you as you’ve forgiven yourself. If they don’t, at least you’ve done the right thing for once. Then you keep doing that. That’s not just true forgiveness… that’s true wisdom.